by Anders Yates
The following is a transcript of surveillance audio acquired under a Freedom of Information request upon the completion of the associated criminal investigation. Names have been redacted.
A: I guess now that everybody’s here we can finally get down to it, right?
B: Man, I’m so excited, I wish I could tweet about this.
C: No social media!
B: Well, obviously.
D: This is the real deal after all. We could get shut down at ANY moment. We’re terrorists.
A: Wow. It’s crazy to hear it out loud. I wanna say it! I’m [redacted] and I’m a terrorist!
B: It’s finally happening. We’re fighting back. With terror!
C: Man, I always thought this was something only other people got to do, and now here I am! A REAL terrorist!
D: For what we’re doing to really matter though, we need to be sure our message is correctly reported in the media.
A: Our TERROR message.
D: But we’ve got a problem.
B: What’s the problem? Our message is crystal clear!
C: Yeah! We’re bombing music and movie studios to retaliate for the political imprisonment of content pirates.
A: I think they usually only fine them.
C: The POLITICAL fining of our pirate brothers. Our message of terror WILL be heard!
D: There’s one problem though. We want CNN to call us terrorists, right?
A: Well I think that’s pretty obviously what we are, and being known as terrorists is half the point of this whole thing anyway. Terrorists are badass.
D: The problem is, we’re all white.
B: Oh no…
A: Wait, so what?
B: So what?! It means they’ll just think we’re mentally ill!
D: They’ll call us loners.
C: But there’s four of us!
B: They’ll still say we’re loners… together.
A: How can you be a group of four loners?
D: It doesn’t matter that it makes no sense. We’ll all just be mentally ill loners.
C: Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with having a mental illness—
B: Depression is misunderstood struggle.
C: No doubt. But it’s like they’re trying to excuse what we’re doing, like it’s not our fault.
A: It’s like they don’t even see we’re trying to terrorize people!
D: Look, there’s only one solution: do any of you have any Muslim friends?
A: I used to play Magic with this guy [redacted], but I’m pretty sure he’s Sikh.
D: Just as good.
A: This isn’t really his thing though. As a matter of fact I think he might be a cop now.
C: I actually think I might know a guy! It would take a lot of convincing to get him to step up to the level we’re at, but I know he gets American Netflix and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t pay for it, so he’d be sympathetic to the cause, and we could gradually convince him of our methods from there.
B: Wait, there’s a problem with this too. They’re going to say he radicalized us.
A: But we’re CLEARLY planning to radicalize HIM right now!
B: Doesn’t matter.
A: So is there NOTHING we can do to make ourselves as feared as we reasonably should be, seeing as we’re a highly organized group of people with explosives and an agenda?
B: As white men, the deck is clearly stacked against us.
C: Do you wanna just bring the struggle back to writing in comment sections?
The suspects in this investigation were not formally charged with any crime.
Anders Yates is a writer and improviser from Montreal, currently living in Toronto. As a member of the acclaimed improv and sketch comedy troupe Uncalled For, Anders has toured across Canada, the United States and Europe. He is a former member of the Second City Touring Company, and a current member of the Bad Dog Repertory Players. He can now bee seen on television in such shows as Helix and Murdoch Mysteries. One time he performed in a play in Tokyo, Japan and now years later he still can't believe that happened.