FIVE BENEFITS OF BEING COVERED IN ANTS

By Matt Hertendy

It can happen to anyone: “Oh no! I’m covered in ants!” 

Perhaps you fell asleep on an ant hill. Maybe you rolled around in a pile of sugar. Hell, maybe they just chose you as their Queen. What might seem like a social death sentence to someone is actually a blessing in disguise! Being covered in ants opens your life up to new opportunities you never even knew existed. 

1. Strength

You’re covered in ants. That means you are covered in the strongest creature on earth. The Science estimates there are 1.6 Million ants per people on earth. Hypothetically, if you’re covered in ants, that gives you 1.6 Million more in strength! It just makes sense to go get yourself covered in ants! 

2. Believe it or not I’m walking on ants! 

Ants are covering you head to toe! And I’ll tell you what, they all want to get somewhere -- and guess what: you’re going with them! All you need to do is let the ants sweep you off your feet and the world is your oyster! Can’t decided where to go on your vacation? Let the ants decide! Because once they’re hauling you off there an’t no goin’ back!

3. I Like Your Beard

“Hey man, nice beard.” “Thanks! It’s actually just thousands of ants on my face!” 

Wow all of your friends and colleagues, with your brand new ant beard! Want a tight cropped beard? A Gandalf the Grey? ZZ Top? Well that just depends on how many ants you want on your flesh. The possibilities are endless when you have a beard made of ants.

4. You are slowly being consumed, bro! 

Rad! Take this time to live life to the fullest! Take that bucket list and cross off everything! Not only will you exit this life satisfied, the ants will thank you for one hell of a ride. Be kind to your ant compadres and perhaps they’ll spare your life! 

5. Team Player

Ants are a social species. They show exemplary acts of cooperation and teamwork. By being covered in an entire colony of ants, you get a front row seat to this display as you watch them colonize you! Have to do a team presentation with Grumpy Bill from Marketing? The ants have taught you well. You cannot fail. 

There you have it! Being covered in ants is the key to a satisfying, fruitful, and meaningful existence. So next time you’re about to step on an ant hill, think: is now the time? Has the day come to give myself over to the ants? The answer may not surprise you. 

Matt Hertendy is a local theatre maker as one of the Two Kind Boys, a communications scholar at Carleton University, and an occasional funnyman. Matt is also a sports man and is very proficient in the art of sports. Follow him on twitter at @coolsportsman