by Connor Low


The author regrets the mistake in his description as a “comedian.” That part of his career is now behind him. He hopes that you are able to clear your mind of any preconceptions you may have about this piece. All chortles will be taken as bullying.

This is a serious piece of literature.

Hopefully you will be able to connect emotionally with the beautiful prose but also be able to grasp the complex existential themes and that you will consider the phenomenological account of memory in the original German. Also, the sex scene is like, really, really good. Just trust. It’s everything you want.

The following is an excerpt from the author’s forthcoming and currently untitled novel. Early reviews describe it as Proustian in both its scope and affective qualities, Kafka-esque in its portrayal of the existential struggle of modern life and Wilde-esque in the author’s sexual prowess. Or at least, it will be once it gets reviewed. The author is sure of this, unlike those who may have doubted his writing in the past. To all of the literary agents reading this: ;).

The author would like to thank you for bearing with him during this preamble but he felt it necessary to both apologize for his erroneous billing and prepare you for the transcendental experience of this excerpt. Obviously, it can only be an excerpt, remember what the author said about this being Proustian in its scope? This book is like 5000 pages but it’s soooooo worth it. Just trust.

Obviously the author found it incredibly difficult to pick a passage to adequately capture the genius of this work for you the reader and… any literary agents… ;). The author considered including the aforementioned sex scene but, it doesn’t work unless performed by Daniel Day Lewis and Meryl Streep… and William H. Macy. Also, it’s the kind of thing you want to read alone, y’know later ;). There was a cool chase scene, with cool martial arts moves and fast cars and a couple explosions. Kinda like if The Bourne Identity was a book. But the chase itself doesn’t really work unless you know why he’s running from the space cops.  The author also weighed including another scene that didn’t make the cut for this excerpt. It was this cool scene where Conrad Lowe time travels back to 1940 to the bottom of the 9th inning of the World Series and hits a monster home run on a full count to win it all. Then all the pretty women in the stadium kiss him on the mouth. Also the ball travels so far and hits Hitler in the head and kills him. And Conrad Lowe is never sad again and his high school English teacher admits that he was wrong about Conrad, his writing isn’t “childish” or “very concerning” or “the reason you’re in the school counsellor’s office.”

Anyways, the word count was max 500 words so the author didn’t feel like any excerpt would adequately capture the beauty and genius of his work. Also, he is probably past this limit. Google Docs makes it too much effort to check. So he will leave you with this: Hey literary agents… ;).

Connor Low is a comedian who splits his time between Halifax and Toronto. He has appeared in standup and improv shows across the eastern half of Canada as well as, most notably, making fart jokes for kids on YTV. He has also been named "Halifax's Deadliest Writer" but really, does anything really top calling farts "smell sounds" on children's television?