PREDICTIONS ON THE MANNER OF DEATH OF FILMMAKER WERNER HERZOG

By Anders Yates

 

  • While framing up the perfect underwater shot of the still, unblinking eye of a great white shark, both director and subject are electrocuted by a bolt of lightning from a sudden thunderstorm, because the random, uncaring forces of nature have no regard for beauty, composition or life itself.

 

  • After being taken hostage by a Congolese warlord during the production of an unconventional Febreze commercial, the German filmmaker negotiates the release of his crew on the condition that he play a game of Russian Roulette. He is swallowed whole by an anaconda before the game can take place.

 

  • At the on-location set of a fiction film about the cargo cult of Papua New Guinea, Herzog has instructed his crew to attempt to hoist a decommissioned 747 jet into the jungle canopy using only local vine-based engineering techniques. Meanwhile, hoping to give the fearless and demanding director a taste of home, craft services prepares for him a schnitzel, but it is undercooked, and he quickly succumbs to food poisoning.

 

  • While giving an outdoor media interview in Los Angeles on the demands that filmmaking can place upon the psyche, a police chase of a drug suspect leads to a multi-vehicle crash, and Herzog becomes pinned under the wheels of a runaway schnitzel delivery truck.

 

  • On vacation among the active volcanoes of Iceland and craving a schnitzel, the director of Grizzly Man, Rescue Dawn and Even Dwarfs Started Small goes insane with hunger and he attempts to eat molten lava.

 

  • Mid way through principal photography on a film about the lives of dentists who have attempted suicide, the order for the array of schnitzels that are required on every one of his sets is miscalculated, and an exponentially larger number than is required are prepared instead. While approaching the schnitzel station, the structural integrity of the massive pile of schnitzels is compromised, and it collapses on the salivating artistic visionary.

 

  • After actively engaging in a torrid affair with the daughter of the Schnitzel King of Bavaria and leaving her scorned, an army of schnitzel chefs is sent to teach a lesson to the controversial director. He is to be cut up and prepared as a series of schnitzels. His last words are “This is the first time I have truly been happy.”

 

Anders Yates is a writer and improviser from Montreal, currently living in Toronto. As a member of the acclaimed improv and sketch comedy troupe Uncalled For, Anders has toured across Canada, the United States and Europe. He is a former member of the Second City Touring Company, and a current member of the Bad Dog Repertory Players. He can now bee seen on television in such shows as Helix and Murdoch Mysteries. One time he performed in a play in Tokyo, Japan and now years later he still can't believe that happened.