by Phillip Gordon


WANTED: Someone to stare unblinkingly at my daughter during her moments of volatile disobedience.

While I’m aware this is technically something I can do myself, I’ve gotten pretty tired of her complete inability to be reassured by nihilism or reduction of human emotion to materialist origins, and if I have to explain the folly of solipsism to her one more time I’m going to scream.

The purpose of enlisting a stranger from the internet (you) to regard her with unmoved contempt during her outbursts is singular and sublime: by demonstrating to her the completely unequivocal non-reaction of one vector of potential response, this will compound in her the inescapable knowledge that the universe possesses no regard for even the most pivotal moments of her life’s posited significance.

Once again, while I possess the ability to enact this plan myself, her mother and I are much more interested in engaging with each other physically than we are at entertaining the pseudo-prescriptivist babbling of our daughter’s poor temper. We are not parents simply to be parents; we have grasped our role in the necessary propagation of self-conscious members of a nevertheless doomed species. We are composite intellectuals in need of sexual reciprocation to each other’s desires. We read paragraphs of Kant to each other while engaging in borderline non-consensual toy-play involving kitchen appliances, meta-textual references and elements, and the occasional Dadaist interplay between the sake of non-engagement for its own manifestation as a physical entity and covering each other in imported fish-paste to lash out at an invisible menace threatening our psychosexual proclivities with the looming collective consciousness of its societal normalization.

If this sounds like a role you’re interested in, please apply with hours of availability and philosophical education. While this position is technically available to someone who exists as nothing more than a sack of self-conscious matter with functioning optics, I would appreciate the ability to engage in a discourse before and after the incidents requiring your attendance. It’s important for me to know my daughter is being raised, in whatever infinitesimal fashion you might provide, by someone conscious of their contribution by proxy to her resultant worldview.

Pay is $10.25/hour. No phone calls. In your email, please include at least two pictures and a summation of existence in three sentences or less. Realists need not apply.

It’s NOT okay to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.

Philip Gordon is a creative writing student from Vancouver Island, an editor of the literary magazines Ash Tree Journal and text, and reader for PANK. His work has been published in Vallum, The Puritan, The YOLO Pages, theNewerYork, (parenthetical), and in numerous other places. Philip is a sex-positive pansexual feminist, lover of shades, and proponent of the Oxford Comma. he can be stalked at twitter.com/greymusic_ and grey-music.tumblr.com.